


Take A Walk On the Wild Side

by Nightdog_Barks



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Drama, Dramedy, Florida, Friendship, Hostage Situation, Road Trip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-29
Updated: 2009-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-18 06:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightdog_Barks/pseuds/Nightdog_Barks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never look a gift horse in the mouth; or, I hear Florida's beautiful this time of the year. 3,203 words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take A Walk On the Wild Side

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based on [this recent news report](http://www.finextra.com/fullstory.asp?id=19558). The LJ-cut text is from the John Cougar Mellencamp song [Pink Houses](http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/john+mellencamp/pink+houses_20074447.html).

_**Take A Walk On the Wild Side**_  
 **TITLE:** Take A Walk On the Wild Side  
 **AUTHOR:** [](http://nightdog-writes.livejournal.com/profile)[**nightdog_writes**](http://nightdog-writes.livejournal.com/). The Epilogue was written by [](http://blackmare-9.livejournal.com/profile)[**blackmare_9**](http://blackmare-9.livejournal.com/).  
 **CHARACTERS:** Two OCs, Wilson, House  
 **RATING:** A soft "R" for some rough language and stressful situations.  
 **WARNINGS:** None.  
 **SPOILERS:** No.  
 **SUMMARY:** Never look a gift horse in the mouth; or, I hear Florida's beautiful this time of the year. 3,203 words.  
 **DISCLAIMER:** Don't own 'em. Never will.  
 **AUTHOR NOTES:** This story is loosely based on [this recent news report](http://www.finextra.com/fullstory.asp?id=19558). The LJ-cut text is from the John Cougar Mellencamp song [Pink Houses](http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/john+mellencamp/pink+houses_20074447.html).  
 **BETA:** My intrepid First Readers, with especial thanks to [](http://topaz-eyes.livejournal.com/profile)[**topaz_eyes**](http://topaz-eyes.livejournal.com/) and [](http://pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com/profile)[**pwcorgigirl**](http://pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com/). Many thanks also to [](http://blackmare-9.livejournal.com/profile)[**blackmare_9**](http://blackmare-9.livejournal.com/) , who put the finishing touches on the story with a wonderful Epilogue.

 **Take A Walk On the Wild Side**

  
"What'll we do now, Scott?" Mandy asked. The _Self_ magazine she'd been reading had ceased to be interesting two Icee-Freezes ago, and she laid it aside. Her husband didn't look around.

"Somethin'll come up, honey," he said. "God will provide -- after all, He's already helped us out this far." His dark eyes scanned the Wegman's parking lot again. "And see? Our car's broke down but He guided us to this fancy grocery store. I'm sure He'll -- " He suddenly stopped talking.

"What is it, sweetie?" Mandy peered out the window of their stalled green Bonneville. She'd _told_ Scotty to take it in and have Rahim look at the alternator, but had he? Of course not -- he'd forgotten, just like he forgot everything. And now here they were, on the road with their Bounteous Windfall, and the fucker had broken down just like the defunct piece of shit it was.

She jumped as the driver's door opened.

"Scotty? Where you goin', honey?"

Her husband leaned back in for just a moment.

"I think I just spotted someone who'll be inclined to help us out," he said. He nodded, and Mandy followed his indication to a man in an obviously expensive suit, standing with an armload of groceries next to a silver Volvo.

"Got a doctor sticker on his bumper -- means he's used to helping people," Scott said. "Think I'll go see just _how_ helpful." He winked at her. "God's come through for us again, honey," he said, and walked away.

Mandy rolled her eyes and scrambled out of the car after her husband. Just as sure as shit stuck to your shoe, he'd screw this up if left to his own devices. Scotty was a sweetheart, but damned if he hadn't been standing behind the door when God gave out brains.

Just as she thought, there he was talking to the well-dressed man like _talking_ would open doors.

" ... and so if you could just find it in your heart to give me and my wife here a quick lift to the nearest garage ... "

The guy was still standing there, and that was a good sign, but Mandy could see the gears turning in his head, and sure enough the guy was opening his mouth to ask the obvious question so Mandy spoke up quick.

"Our cell phone battery's run out," she lied. "We're so sorry to be botherin' you like this, but we just don't know what else to do."

The man's eyebrows knitted together -- they were big and bushy, Mandy noticed, and she wondered just for a moment how they'd look if a good stylist took a pair of tweezers to them.

"Just five minutes of your time, mister, that's all we're askin'," Scotty said, and the man's attention shifted back to her husband.

"I don't -- " the man began, and Mandy sighed. She stuck her right hand in her windbreaker pocket and extended her index finger. She took a step closer to the guy and spoke in a low, menacing tone.

"Look," she said. "We need your car, and we need for you to get us on the highway to Florida."

The guy was gaping at her and she regretted once more Scotty's failure to print off the MapQuest directions.

"We don't want to hurt you -- we'll let you go as soon as you point that pretty silver car south."

She quit talking, and in the sudden silence she was acutely aware of the low hum of the other store customers on the lot. All at once she found herself wondering what the hell a doctor was doing shopping for groceries by himself on a Friday morning, but then her husband was talking again and the wondering was gone.

"What she said," Scotty said. "Now put those groceries in the back seat and let's go."

* * *

" -- but the bank wouldn't even give us the time of day," Scott was saying. "And that money just appeared in our account out of nowhere! That's when we knew it was a gift from God. Or ... hey!" He twisted around in the passenger seat. "Honey! What if this's one of those reality shows? Like _Extreme Home Makeover_ , or _Secret Millionaire_ , where the guy goes around and gives people checks for a million dollars? What if we're on TV _right now?_ "

Mandy considered the thought for a moment, then dismissed it.

"I don't think so," she said kindly. "We would've spotted Howie Mandel by now." Nevertheless, she looked discreetly around for anything that might have been a camera truck.

Dr. Wilson glanced up into the rearview mirror -- that was his name, James Evan Wilson, right there on his driver's license in the wallet conveniently open on Mandy's lap, and _Doctor_ James E. Wilson on his hospital i.d. card.

Mandy, having taken a seat next to the bag of groceries, brushed cookie crumbs from her lips and looked sternly back. She'd found a package of Vienna Fingers in the bag and had already eaten two.

"And so you're ... _taking_ this money," James E. Wilson said, "this quarter of a million dollars ... and moving to Florida."

Mandy had to give him credit -- the doc was scared but he was doing a good job hiding it.

"Yep," Scott said. "Quit our jobs and pulled up stakes, just like real pioneers! Gonna buy a pretty little house in Orlando, with orange trees right in the front yard. God provided for us, and who are we to question God?"

Mandy smiled to herself. Not that quitting their jobs had been any big thing -- Scott had been a Kinko's repairman and she'd been giving beauty jobs from home while she'd looked after her sister's snot-nosed brats, and if they just hadn't projectile-vomited that _one last time_ , all over her grandma's prize afghan, she might have tried to talk Scotty out of it when he'd looked up from their PC all goofy and starry-eyed, babbling about how their ship had come in.

She just hoped it wasn't the _Titanic_ , even if Scotty did look kind of like Leo DiCaprio on a bad-hair day.

The doc was looking at her again, and she scowled at him. It was obvious what he was thinking -- they'd been on the road for the better part of an hour and had already passed plenty of I-95 South signs.

"You don't have a gun," the guy said, and Mandy blinked at him. Just what _had_ he seen in her eyes? Scott looked just as startled -- well, big surprise, _he_ wasn't going to be much help. She thought fast, then unzipped her beauty bag. Talk about God providing -- it had been the last thing she'd carried out of the house, the leopard-print vinyl swinging against her hip, and more than once today she'd considered leaving it in some deserted rest stop, the last symbol of her old life left behind. Now she thought maybe there really was some divine Providence, even as she pulled out her best pair of hammer-shank shears and held the sharp tips an inch away from the doctor's right ear.

"No," she said, "but I've got these, and if you don't want to lose your eardrum and everything else on that side of your face you'll keep driving."

She held her breath, and after a moment Dr. Wilson's eyes dropped. Scott was still looking at her, admiration all over his face.

Mandy sat back in the Volvo's cushy seat. Men were so easy to bluff -- and to impress.

It felt _good_ to be chauffeured around like some Hollywood star. Why stop now that they were on the right road? She reached into the grocery bag to see what else the doc had bought.

* * *

They ate lunch in another parking lot, this time at a McDonald's just south of Richmond, Virginia. Scotty went in to use the facilities and order three Happy Meals, and then they took turns eating so that the sharp-pointed shears were always poking into either the doctor's ribs or the back of his neck.

"You're not going to get away with this, you know," the doc said.

"Get away with what?" Scott replied. "So far all we've done is borrowed your car, gone for a ride."

"Yeah," Mandy chimed in. "We even bought you lunch."

"You _kidnapped_ me!"

"Now that's awfully harsh, don't you think?" Scott observed.

"But I need to ... to _pee!_ "

Scott waggled his plastic drink cup; the ice and liquid inside sloshed against the sides. "And you can use this, just as soon as I'm done with my Dr Pepper." He eyed the last fry on the doc's napkin. "You gonna eat that?"

Mandy sighed.

"Babe, let the man finish his lunch in peace and show me what you got in your Happy Meal." She took a rasping straw-sip from her own drink and waved her free hand impatiently. "C'mon c'mon c'mon."

Scott frowned as he held up a small white figurine with a bulbous head.

"I think it's some kind of bug," he said.

"Well, whatever it is, give it here. I'll put it away with the others -- you know those things will be worth good money on eBay one day."

* * *

They'd been on the road for over fifteen hours by the time they crossed the state line into Florida. Still, Scott crowed and played a slow-motion round of mock golf-applause at the sparkling lights of Jacksonville as if seeing the Promised Land. Mandy tipped an indulgent smile in his direction as she spotted a familiar sign.

"Pull in there," she said, tapping Dr. Wilson on the shoulder. The doc mumbled something under his breath but obeyed, turning smoothly into the driveway of the Holiday Inn Express. He parked and turned off the ignition; the engine ticked loudly as it began to cool down, and he leaned back in his seat, obviously exhausted.

"You're leaving me here now, right?" he said hopefully.

Mandy ignored him. Instead, she nodded to her husband.

"Hon, make sure you get something on the ground floor," she said. "With two double beds."

"Okay, please ... " the doc began.

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist," Mandy scolded. "We're not going to hurt you. But -- " She tucked the Vienna Fingers box inside her beauty bag and zipped the bag shut. "You need a good treatment, and I'm just the one to give it to you."

* * *

Mandy tossed the hot towel onto the countertop in frustration.

"Dr. Wilson," she growled from between gritted teeth, "if you do _not_ stop squirming, I am going to have Scotty _tie_ you to this _chair_."

Of course, she'd have to rouse Scotty from his position on the bed to do that, seeing as how her husband had devoured one of the two large pizzas he'd ordered for dinner, drained four beers out of the six-pack he'd bought, found the Spike channel on TV and was in the process of falling asleep watching _Xtreme 4x4._ Mandy narrowed her eyes.

"Of course, there's nothing wrong if you're _into_ that ... "

"No!" Dr. Wilson said hastily. "I'm not." He sat up a little straighter in the desk chair. "I'm just still ... kind of ... nervous. About this whole thing."

Mandy shook her head. "You have nothing to worry about, doc. I'm a graduate of Gina Divino's Cut-N-Up Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Nook -- cum laude and first in my class." She looked critically at the doc's hair and smoothed back one sideburn with her thumb.

"Got some gray goin' on there," she said. "Want me to touch that up a little?"

"I don't need ... " The doctor paused and squinted to see himself in the fogged-up mirror. "You could do that?"

  
Mandy laughed.

"Oh, hon," she said. "You just wait."

* * *

"Careful now," Mandy murmured. "Don't hurt your hand."

"Not gonna hurt my hand," her husband muttered. Still, he winced a little as he smacked the heel of his palm onto the protruding head of the door key, breaking it cleanly off in the lock. "You cut both phone lines?"

Mandy rolled her eyes in mock exasperation.

" _Yes_ , of course I did." She took a deep breath -- she could actually smell the _ocean!_ "He's probably still asleep anyway. All that driving, and then that late night. Besides, he's not going to tell."

She'd worked far into the night, shampooing, drying, trimming, plucking, trimming again, and she'd been proud of the results, even if she did say so herself. By the time she'd finished, Dr. Wilson had looked _just like_ one of those handsome doctors on TV -- George Clooney from _ER_ , or that Doctor McDreamy on _Grey's Anatomy_. She turned away from the door to see Scotty standing proudly beside a bright red Thunderbird convertible.

"Oh, _Scotty!_ " she breathed.

"You like it?" He ran one hand over the passenger door, then opened it with a flourish. "Car dealership down the street. Bought it when I went out to get a paper. Might as well use God's bounty to get something nice for my wife."

"Oh, honey, I _love_ it!"

Her husband smiled. "Come on then," he said. "Let's go buy that little house in Orlando." He opened the driver's door, then hesitated. "You really think he won't go straight to the police?"

Mandy settled herself in her seat.

"My mother used to say," she said, "that if you do a person a good turn, then that person is indebted to you forever." Of course, her mother had used to say a _lot_ of things, most of them total fucking nonsense, such as "Three cats on the roof means rain by morning" and "Don't cross the drapes, you'll make them angry," but still, a saying was a saying and some of them, well, _some_ of them had to have some real meaning, didn't they?

She pulled her sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on.

"Let's go," she said. "I want to see those orange trees."

  
 **  
_  
Epilogue   
_   
**

  
Wilson opens the door and groans.

"You were not at your mom and dad's," House says. "It's not a holiday, not even a lame Jew holiday. And you're ... God, Wilson, you _dyed your hair?_ How young _is_ she?"

Wilson leans against the door frame of his apartment and rubs at his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in days but House ignores this as inconsequential to the evidence at hand.

"There is no 'she,' House. The last thing you said to me on Thursday was that you wanted me to go away and you didn't care where I went."

"I don't. I care that you're _lying_ about where you went."

"My mom is on this ... kick. She wants me to find a nice girl, so she ... dragged me to a ... a salon, all right?" Wilson looks up at him with tired, pleading eyes. "I told her I'd do it on the condition that she didn't tell anyone. Especially not you."

"To look that ridiculous you drove a thousand miles?"

"What?"

"Either that, or someone in Jacksonville stole your Platinum Visa."

"House! You've been -- "

"Doing what I always do when you mysteriously go missing and don't answer your cell. Your card thief is amazingly boring. This idiot took a sky's-the-limit credit account, drove all the way up the east coast, and only bought food, gas, and an oil change at a Volvo dealer in Richmond."

Wilson sags against the door frame looking like a fox who knows the hounds are holding all the aces.

"What I want to know," House says, going for the kill, "is why there's no _southbound_ trail. You couldn't have taken your car on an airplane, and there weren't any cash withdrawals from your account, so someone else must have been -- "

"If you must know," Wilson grits out, "I was held at knife-point and carjacked all the way down to Florida, by a man and his psychotic beautician wife, who decided to make it up to me by giving me a ... makeover. At a Holiday Inn Express. The reason you couldn't reach me on my cell phone is that Mr. Crazy Dude wouldn't let me take any calls and threw my phone out the window. I think we were just south of Raleigh by that point -- it probably got eaten by alligators."

"There are no alligators in Raleigh, North Carolina."

"Wild pigs, then. Warthogs. Fuck, I don't know."

"You are so full of shit. Who's in Jacksonville?"

"No one I ever want to see again." Wilson sighs; despite his neatly-groomed brows and artificially-rejuvenated hair, he looks like hell. He steps back from the door. "You coming in, or not?"

House comes in. "And you didn't call the cops because?"

"Because the cops are sane. They wouldn't believe me any more than you do."

"Why, Wilson." House is already in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge for beer. "You're holding me aloft as a model of mental health? I think I'm gonna cry."

"Get me one," Wilson commands. "And no, you're not a model of anything I'd care to emulate, but after a day with Scott and Mandy -- "

"I'm a refreshing oasis of reason?" House gives him his best hopeful smile and hands over a bottle.

"More like a muddy polluted drainage ditch." Wilson starts drinking -- way faster than he usually does. "But I'll take what I can get."

"You can't possibly be telling the truth."

"Not entirely." He drinks a little more, halfway through the Dos Equis in record time. "I wasn't technically held at knife-point."

"Stiletto heel-point?"

"Close."

He tips his head back and guzzles more from the bottle, and that's just weird. Wilson never guzzles; he's way too polite. "Try ... Edward Scissorhands," he says, when he finally comes up for air.

"Scissors."

"Beauty-School-from-Hell scissors." Wilson is actually turning red. His beer is almost empty.

"Tell me that you're lying. If you're not lying, lie now and tell me that you are."

"I'm definitely lying."

"Good." They're leaning side by side against Wilson's kitchen counter, drinking and listening to the refrigerator hum. "Because if you really had been kidnapped at scissor-point, I could never be seen with you again."

"My left hand was on the wheel. Scott had my right arm. Mandy was in back with ... here." He leans over and fishes something long, metallic, wicked-looking out of the otherwise-empty kitchen trash can. "I decided I'd rather not have her jam these in my ear. If that makes me too much of a wuss to keep the company of Macho Hacienda, so be it." He lays the scissors in House's hand and opens the fridge again.

"No more beer," House says. He waits for Wilson to straighten up and look at him before he continues. Once, as a resident, he'd seen the results of a "domestic dispute" involving shears. Gashes, lacerations, stab wounds -- all the fun of a knife attack, in a convenient double package.

"C'mon," House says, and sets the scissors on the counter. "I've only had half of mine."

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere with good whiskey. Somewhere close." He pushes Wilson toward the door, and it doesn't take much pushing. "I'll drive."

  
~ fin

 _Notes_  
Mandy's shears are based on [this pair](http://www.appletonbarbersupply.com/store/shopexd.asp?id=326).  
The name of the beauty college is a mix taken from actual beauty schools in the State of New Jersey.  
I used [this driving calculator](http://www.wildtexas.com/travel-calculator.php) for travel times.  
The complete lyrics to Lou Reed's "Take A Walk On the Wild Side" may be found [here](http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/lou+reed/walk+on+the+wild+side_20085180.html).


End file.
